Looking back in time used to trigger deep emotions in me. I would think how I wish I had handled all of the unusual and unsettling experiences of autism with more patience and compassion. I’ve often said that “autism brought out the worst in me until it brought out the best.” It is now the best in me that blocks any regret as I look back 20 years to the start of Sarah’s ABA program.

I embarked on a home-based ABA program in the same fog as any other parent grappling with an autism diagnosis and the pervasive sense of fear and sadness that follows. The first person who helped me was Dr. Anne Maxwell, a psychologist and former graduate student of Dr. Ivar Lovaas who spotlighted ABA as a beneficial treatment for autism. In April 1996, I, like other parents in my Midwestern community, hired Dr. Maxwell to set up our home program after having learned about ABA from the book “Let Me Hear Your Voice” written by Catherine Maurice, a parent herself. In those days without funding sources, parents like me sought out and hired their own staff of 1-to-1 interventionists. Training occurred in a two-day workshop in our home. The first day covered background on the methodology. The second day was devoted to working directly with my 3 1/2 year old daughter.

It’s funny the things that you remember from a time that was so full of new situations. In the minutes before “my staff” of three was about to follow Dr. Maxwell up the stairs for their hands-on training, she instructed us to prepare food reinforcers. “Break the teddy grahams into quarters,” she said. After looking at each other for a second (unsure we’d heard that right), one interventionist joked: “Here, have a limb!” We all laughed – hard. I think it was the first time that I thought anything was funny in the six months following my daughter’s diagnosis.

It turned out that levity was going to be a much needed friend over the coming years. The three-hour tantrum that occurred on Day 1 (sparked by a simple request to sit in a chair), let me know our girl was fighter. “A good sign,” Dr. Maxwell said, as she said goodbye with a smile. I was going to need a lot of that kind of encouragement. The flow of staff on and off our team, dreaded at first, became a symbol of renewal as fresh ideas and skill created potential out of my daughter’s evolving needs. Each transition, I discovered, was bound to trigger a new strategy to propel my daughter, and our entire family, out of challenging experiences to fulfilling ones.

That forward movement brought us to Southern California in 2002 where accessing the best autism treatment was the only thing on my mind. Experts at our school district pointed me to ACES. They said a more multifaceted treatment approach was being used there. I learned firsthand that was true.

Over the next 11 years, my daughter, and later my son, transformed immeasurably. From the serious problems of elopement, sleeplessness, spitting, and calls from school to “come get him”; to the issues that simply drive you crazy. I think we dealt with them all. One example was my children’s obsession with pouring liquids. Eggs fit this category and an oozing mass of them across the living room carpet once forced my involuntary scream. Anything, I discovered, could be turned into confetti: a basket of laundry, a box of tissues, or a deck of cards. Your innocent teaching materials could become the very thing that prompted the next flinging behavior. Oh, and then, there were the epic plumbing problems. I once prayed over a toilet in the hope that a #2 pencil, flushed in protest, would reemerge without another call to the plumber — and it did!

Behavior after behavior, skill after skill, year after year, we worked together. Resolving these issues took time and tenacity. The fun now is in the reminiscing; to laugh about a time that once made us cry.

Twenty years ago, very few people knew what to do on either side of an autism diagnosis. Yet inspired action can arise and prompt a lady I barely knew to share a life-changing book with me. It could also move a woman like Kristin Farmer, CEO and Founder of ACES, to reach beyond helping a few children in a classroom to eventually help thousands by forming her company that same year. The fact that our pioneering paths crossed reminds me to let the magical aspects of life play their part a little more often.

When parents implement an ABA program in their home, they are cutting a path upon which their child will walk to meet their opportunities. The more you listen to your team and follow their advice, the more choices your child will have — in almost every case. Though it will feel like the most effort you have put forth in your life, and as great as any mountain ever climbed, you will truly “arrive” when you realize that your child has been your steadfast collaborator — even when you were being tested and resisted. You were making each other stronger, more ready for your opportunities, and more your best selves.